


the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

by ringingglass



Category: Friends at the Table (Podcast)
Genre: (that was a joke mr. underscore man please don't call me out on your podcast), Anxiety, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, M/M, gratuitous astronomy metaphors, the j/a happy ending we could've had if austin weren't a coward
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-28
Updated: 2018-03-28
Packaged: 2019-04-13 23:46:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14123457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ringingglass/pseuds/ringingglass
Summary: Jace Rethal is Oricon's hero, Addax's north star, and at times, his own worst enemy.





	the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

**Author's Note:**

> i carry your heart with me(i carry it in  
> my heart)i am never without it(anywhere  
> i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done  
> by only me is your doing,my darling)  
> i fear  
> no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want  
> no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)  
> and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant  
> and whatever a sun will always sing is you
> 
> here is the deepest secret nobody knows  
> (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud  
> and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows  
> higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)  
> and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
> 
> i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
> 
> – e. e. cummings, "[i carry your heart with me(i carry it in]"

Jace sits behind the divider where Addax is getting dressed, regulating his breathing. He’s not scared or worried, or at least that’s what he tells himself. He’s  _nervous._ Around _Addax._

The idea is so preposterous it just frustrates him. It’s been 16 years since they first met in the hanger bay before their mission. Sure, they were technically estranged for ten of those years, but  _fuck._ Addax knows him better than anyone else in his life. He loves him better than anyone else ever has. Jace isn’t worried about their future. He just wants everything to be perfect – just for today.

Addax hums a slow, lilting song softly to himself as he perfects his hair, and though he can’t see him, Jace can imagine the absentminded sway of his hips as he moves about the room. He smiles, settling slightly.

Addax’s humming stops. “Hey babe?”

“Yeah?” 

 There’s a brief pause while Addax parses his words. Jace loves that about him, the way he selects each phrase from his memory to perfectly express his thoughts and feelings. Jace was never good at that. Acting. That was easy. 

Addax clears his throat softly. “You good? Been a little quiet over there.”

He knows. Of course he would know.  _Addax Dawn knows him better than anyone._ Jace doesn’t know why exactly, but his throat closes up then, choked with love for Addax and the overwhelming desire to make this day perfect and deep down, a shred of fear that it won’t be. No, not it –  _he._ Jace composes himself, opens his mouth to answer – and then the tears come.

Addax makes a soft noise of exclamation and moves as if to come around the divider, murmuring in that voice that one might use for a wounded animal, “Sweetheart, what –“ but Jace doesn’t let him get any further before jumping to his feet, wiping his face with his sleeve, and reaching around the barrier to clutch his lover’s arm.

“It’s– you can’t! The tradition! And I’m fine, really–“

“Jace,” Addax says simply, but he stops in his tracks. “The tradition isn’t that important. Talk to me. What’s going on?”

Jace’s whole body wilts, then, and he turns away from the divider, but Addax catches his arm before it can fall away and clasps their fingers together.

“Gods, it’s stupid,” Jace says, waveringly, and his voice is so fraught with self-loathing, Addax again considers walking over to him anyway before thinking better of it. 

“I just want today to be perfect. You deserve it.”

Addax is confused, still, but his voice is gentle. “We both do.” 

“No, not just that. It’s. You were always better than me. Don’t argue, I know you don’t see it that way, but... I feel like I’ve been trying to prove to myself that I deserve you ever since that day we met. Those talks in the Kingdom Come? The bickering competition at that dumb Hieron game Orth made the whole crew play? All of those moments, I think I just wanted you to prove to me that I could be worthy of your time. And I’ve gotten better since then, and you’ve helped me work through those things, but... I’d be lying if I said I didn’t still worry sometimes. Not that this will fail, or that you’ll leave me, I know you would never – well, never again – but that I won’t be what you need. That we’ll constantly be trying to fit together and never accepting that the missing pieces don’t quite let it work.”

Jace pauses, thinks through his words – Addax may be rubbing off on him, after all – and takes a deep breath. “I know it’s something I’m gonna have to keep working on. And you have your hang-ups, too. But there’s a part of me that wants to believe that if I can just make it through today with every detail going exactly according to the vision I have in my head – and you know I’ve dreamed about this day for a long time – that maybe all that would go away.”

“It’s silly. But I want this to work so bad, Addax,” he pleads, voice breaking slightly. “I know it was all worth it, in the end. But it still isn’t fair. We deserve this happy ending. I just hope it’s the happy ending I have in my head.”

Addax lets out a slow breath, air whistling through his teeth as he processes all that Jace just said. He knew Jace felt all these things, but on their wedding day? He wishes again that he could cross over to hold him, but he knows how important the big reveal is to Jace, the theatrical sap. He loves him.

“I love you.”

Jace laughs waterily. “I should hope so.”

“No, it’s. You’re the most important thing in the world to me, Jace. You’re my North Star. And you’re never gonna stop being that, do you hear me? You’ve been so brave, and so strong, and the fact that we’re here, alive,  _getting married,_ gods... it’s enough. It’s more than enough. We’ll keep working on your stuff, and we’ll keep working on my stuff, and we’ll have each other to lean on.”

Addax punctuates his words with a squeeze of Jace’s hand, trying to convey every ounce of love he feels in the action.

“But, Jace… today is just a day. It happens to be the day that we’re going to walk out there and pledge our love in front of our best friends and become the Rethal-Dawns and be so, so happy, but it’s not magic. You can’t control everything. But I’m going to love you no matter what. Don’t you ever doubt that.” 

Addax startles for a moment at the sudden movement, and then –

Jace’s head is on his shoulder, his arms wrapped around his neck tight as anything, his face wet where it presses into his neck, and oh, Addax has never felt anything so divine. He reacts instantly, one hand clutching at Jace’s back like he’s afraid to let go, and the other winding into his hair, where he places the softest of kisses.

“I thought you wanted to save the big reveal until the trip down the aisle?”

“Shut up,” Jace mumbles tenderly into his skin. “You’re worth it.”

They stay like that for a long time, until the tears on both their cheeks are dry, their cheeks less splotchy, their breathing evened out. They only pull apart when Aria taps out a light knock on the door and pokes her head in, eager face softening at the scene. (She considers teasing them about Jace’s big tradition, but the sight of them both radiating their love is too precious to interrupt with lighthearted fun.)

“You ready?”

Addax looks to Jace as he pulls away, but Jace just grins back at Aria, expression surer than Addax can remember seeing it in a long time.

“Ready.”

With a final brush of Addax’s cheek and squeeze of his hand, Jace follows his friend through the door, feeling more at peace than he has in sixteen years. They’ve lost so much, but they found each other again once, against all odds. Jace is sure their souls will keep finding one other again and again, each time more joyous than the last.

 

**Author's Note:**

> i haven't published a fic since i was approximately 13 years old and these saps are what brought me back. thanks riley
> 
> yell about these soft bfs with me on twitter at @persephxnes !
> 
> p.s. the golden branch star sector has a north star right?? eh sure it does #mycitynow


End file.
